All Nude, Swinger, Sex Spa, Pool Party

In 2015, as a fat chick, I went to an all-nude, swinger, sex spa - and I highly recommend it.

“I'm going to be the only naked fat girl there,” I said to Andy, who was so excited about our day that he was practically taking his clothes off while walking from the car to the all nude swinger spa we had booked in the California desert. Andy didn’t comment, he just smiled, put a comforting hand on my shoulder, and continued skipping up to the giant, ornately carved, wooden doors of Ocean Breeze Ranch & Spa.

Ocean Breeze was a Mexican-style hacienda, with white stucco’d exterior, and lush green trees and bushes which shaded us from the glaring sun. Deceptively serene, it seemed to clash with the house music blaring from inside. This spa was in (what seemed like) a residential neighborhood, and I couldn’t help but think that if I lived in the vicinity I would be Mrs. Kravitz ranting and raving at the town-hall meetings about zoning laws and noise pollution.

Andy clacked the ginormous door knocker, and a beautiful Rubenesque Thai woman answered the door. Sarong-clad in a see-through piece of fabric that I can only describe as ‘hanky-like,’ she was gorgeous. I took some solace in the fact that she didn’t have a six-pack, a spray tan or bejeweled talons, just a big smile and a warm demeanor. “Welcome to Ocean Breeze Ranch & Spa! I’m Star,” she said, waving us in. “Come, come, I’ll show you where you can take off and leave your clothes.” I felt my stomach drop.